Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Tales of the Techno Mutant Warriors #1

Tales of the Techno Mutant Warriors #1 1987 $2.00 U.S. $2.50 Canada
XL Studios Publications Ontario, Canada by Ray Dell and Bill Cooper

   Okay, so I'm going to be completely honest here. I bought this comic because there's a lady with four titties on the cover. That's one more than that lady from Total Recall.

   That's awesome.

   Pretty much any comic with a cover featuring a lady possessing three or more titties is going to end up in my collection (regardless of whether or not she's holding a lightsaber or standing in front of a planet as it explodes). I mean, just look at that cover. It's got it all!

   And please don't misunderstand. This is not a sexist thing. Any comic cover featuring a dude with a couple of extra penises is going into my collection just as quick. Possibly quicker. 

   But I digress...

   Our story:

   The planet Syunn has seen better days. 200 years ago its twin moons fell victim to that persistent bastard known as gravity, and crashed into each other in a massive destructive moment that rained meteorites down on Syunn. This resulted in the planet's atmosphere being inundated with horrible chemicals, not to mention shifting Syunn's orbit to skirt dangerously close to the sun. All of this leaving a large portion of the population to be born as strange looking mutants. Those not born as mutants built cities at the poles to start a new life away from these genetic anomalies. 

    Now we're introduced to the lady from the cover. Ajora is her name. A healer mutant who's just taking a bath out in the river while her friends Linx and Drej are out searching for useful supplies.

   This all seems great until Ajora spots a nasty looking wolf approaching! The wolf lunges into the water and Ajora tries to run... but the wolf seeks other prey! He leaps right past our lady of mammillary opulence to sink his teeth into a shadowy figure lurking in the water behind her. 
   Ajora realizes she's surrounded by mutant hunters and tries to swim to safety. The hunters try to shoot her but only manage to blast the wolf and one of their own men (my guess... they were distracted by all those titties). All of a sudden a wolf man descends from the trees above, making quick work of the mutant hunters!
   This mysterious figure picks up the injured wolf and takes it ashore where Ajora is getting dressed. He introduces himself as Aard the Predator and tells her the wolf is a friend of his named Ruk, Aard asks her to help heal poor Ruk and she complies. Dear lord, someone teach Aard how to trim that happy trail!
    While they're healing Ruk we cut to Ajora's pals Linx and Drej on their search for supplies. I wonder if either of them have extra penises?

   They notice a transport on the horizon and decide to take a closer look. Jumping onto the passing transport like a couple of pirates, they quickly throw everyone out of the vehicle to the grisly demise of tumbling off a cliff into the rocks below!
   Meanwhile, Ajora and Aard see another transport approaching. Ajora mistakenly assumes it's her buddies but unfortunately it's the dreaded Torag, a feared mutant slaver and an army of his troopers! Three vehicles in his fleet surround our heroes and attempt to capture Ajora...
   But Aard shoots an explosive arrow at one of the transports, blowing it to smithereens! He and Ajora start kickig all kinds of ass... but there are just too many troopers to kick all their asses, so they decide to run. The troopers shoot them with some sort of stun gun, knocking them out cold.
   Togar commands his troopers to load them onto the transport. As he stands over their unconscious bodies he pauses to think to himself, "Hmm... this wolfman looks familiar. I wonder..." What does Torag wonder? Does he recognize Aard? I would think if you see a happy trail like that you're not gonna forget it anytime soon.

   We abruptly cut to the transport driver that Drej threw off the cliff earlier in the story. He awakens and wobbles to his feet, vowing to get revenge against the mutants! What a tough son of a gun!
   Man, this was a crazy fun comic! And the art is kind of amazing, even if I can't tell what's happening in some of the action scenes. It's really weird and detailed and I like the way it looks. Kind of reminds me of early Vince Locke or Guy Davis. Perfect tonal fit with the story!
   And as if this twenty page story wasn't enough, we have a four page back up story called 'Milk Runner' about a smuggler of illegal milk (Whattup Doogie!) crashing his small craft into the side of a mountain. 
   The outlaw pilot stumbles from the wreckage to check on his contraband and sighs with relief to discover the canisters are undamaged... but a rock teeters atop the rock wall he's just slammed into and it suddenly falls (like from a Wile E. Coyote/Road Runner cartoon) onto the milk runner's ship cracking the canister of moo juice which spews everywhere! 

   The end!

   What an odd and wonderful comic book! Thanks Ray and Bill. You guys rule!

   So, of course I had to draw the amazing Ajora! Here she is with Ruk the injured wolf.

   Please join me again next month when we take a look at a comic I've been eager to read since I started this blog. New Beginning #1! Go ahead... feast your eyes upon it's beauty!!!